The idea I have been tossing around for some time...

Going part-time at work. It seems like the signs point that direction lately. I have talked to my family on the phone twice in the past week, and both times I was too exhausted to carry on a viable conversation. The second time, I talked mostly to my mom. She told me that she thinks I should look for another job on my days off. She said, "It seems like this job is really bringing you down." Given the economy at the moment, and given that we get at least three applicants a week in the coffee shop, completely finding a new job doesn't seem all that feasible. There's the added bonus that we're most likely going to be moving to wherever Shaun finds a job, so most places aren't going to be interested in hiring and training someone for three months of work. Quitting altogether doesn't seem like the best option. But switching to part-time might not be half bad. Another reason? Yesterday I worked 9 1/2 hours. On my feet. Busting my butt. I realize that nurses and doctors work far more grueling hours. But they also get paid probably triple what I do...so...it's not really worth it for me to kill myself between work and wedding.

Here's what's holding me back:

1) We are already working on a very limited budget. When I say very limited, I mean to say that we are literally out of money. Not that my whopping salary keeps us afloat, but that money does save us from putting groceries on some sort of credit card.

2) The minuscule raise I got when I was made manager would probably disappear; not only would I be working fewer hours and thus making less money, but I would be earning a smaller wage.

3) It might give me too much time. I don't know what I would do if I only worked part-time. Let's say I had one more day off a week. Well, I've already got the hang of accomplishing lots of stuff on Mondays, my only true day off. So, say I have Tuesdays off as well...what do I do with my Tuesdays? Aside from not get paid? There are a ton of 'little' wedding projects that I am constantly having to designate to 'next' Monday (when I put 'next' in quotations, I am referring to the perpetual 'next' Monday of procrastinators) because I ran out of time this Monday. But even still, I might find myself wasting away the time and blogging rather than calling the cousin I am hoping will be in charge of the Food Committee (name that show) at the wedding.

4) I am scared. I haven't worked part-time since high school. And I worked part-time in high school because...well, I had school. I know Shaun won't think less of me, but would I think less of myself? I am supposed to be able to handle all this. If I can't handle this, how will I handle having a family and a job at the same time?

The moral of this story is that I have no idea what to do. Should I switch to a more manageable schedule? Should I continue to bust my haunches and earn minimal amounts of money? Would it really kill the coffers that much if I worked six or eight (or 9 1/2) hours less a week? Would I reach the wedding feeling more prepared? Would I drive myself insane being at home that much? Would I be able to face wedding problems with more composure than I have in the past because I'm more relaxed? Would I be in better shape because I would actually have the energy to go to the gym, rather than hold a membership that does me little good after I've worked an eight hour shift on my feet running around and answering questions and putting out fires and cleaning and doing dishes and giving instructions and...and...and...?! Would my house be cleaner? Would my sanity be intact? Could I visit my family before Shaun and I move across the country? Would we be so broke that it would only create new stresses? Could I actually coordinate time with the woman who's helping me plan my wedding, rather than call, text, or Facebook every once in a while to see if she thinks such-and-so would work with the theme of the day?

I really, truly, have no idea what the answers are to these questions. I do know that, from where I stand at this moment, I don't feel like I can keep up this pace. I've only had one full week back at work after a nice five-day break and I am already feeling burnt out and stressed.

Best wedding gift ever: a videographer!

We were in church yesterday, and sat next to a couple that we know moderately well. Well enough to have invited them to the wedding, anyway. One of his hobbies is making videos. He's good at it, too. He's filmed ice climbers and wildlife in Yellowstone Park, among other things. Anyway, yesterday they told us they'd be coming to the wedding before church started. Then, after the service was through, he turns to us and asks, "Do you guys want a video of your wedding?" Shaun looked at me with that 'I have no idea' look on his face, as I sit there nodding like a maniac. So, we have a videographer.

In my mind, this may be the best gift we get. I've heard from a couple of different married women that they are so glad they got a video. The day flies, by all accounts, and you won't remember the vows, or prayers, or even everyone who came. And I want to remember those things. I want to be able to go back and hear what we vowed to each other. I want to go back and see our grandparents' faces after they're gone. This person has made that possible for us, and I am so thankful.

The wedding 'urghs' are over for the time being. But I'm sure they'll rear their 'urgh'-ly head again before the wedding.

Why am I cheerful, the polar opposite of a week ago? My wonderful fiancée and I went shopping. Now, we may have maxed out the credit card (whoopsie), but we got a ton of what we need for the remainder of the planning process.

Suit for him...check...basket for flowergirl...check...tie for him...check...ties for his groomsmen and ushers...check...card basket...check...tablecloths...check...cake plates...check...beverage and large napkins...check...cups...check...confetti...check...Popsicle sticks for programs...check...flowergirl dress...check...shirt for him...check...cake server...check...garters...check...reception candy...check...

Today's main project is programs. They're going to turn out differently than I had envisioned, which is okay because that makes me feel like even though the idea was someone else's, I made it uniquely mine. The programs' design is complete...and looks great, might I add. I designed them myself, with buckets of help from Shaun. But all the information took up more room than I had originally thought, so the silk flowers I was planning to attach were not going to fit. Never fear...I adore those cutesy little things and am determined to make them work. Here's how: Shaun, my ever-loving and tolerant fiancée, is going to drill holes in the Popsicle sticks at one end. I will then use the multi-colored brads I had already purchased and affix the flowers on the opposite end of the program. Ta-da!

I also had a couple of inspirations:

The front of our program reads like a normal program, listing the wedding participants. The back, however, was going to have a wedding game. We had a crossword puzzle and a mad-lib put together for our guests' entertainment before the ceremony. The crossword, however, was kind of a bust. Most of the clues didn't connect well enough for a person to be able to solve the whole thing. But the mad-lib...oh, the mad-lib is just great. I wrote most of it, but again had help from Shaun. The inspiration is this: rather than have people fill it out and come up to us during the reception and ask us to read what they came up with, we're going to have guests put their mad-libs in a basket. Then, during the reception, each wedding party member will randomly draw two and read them to the crowd. Mad-libs are always so entertaining; why not share? I think it will be a great reception game to offset the speeches which get kind of emotional.

The tablecloths were my other, more joint inspiration. A good portion of credit is due my soon-to-be sister-in-law. We went to a party store in Boise, her hometown and where we spent the last several days, and found most of the things we'll need for the reception. Including vinyl tablecloths. Now, let me state for the record: I have been opposed to vinyl tablecloths all along. I hate them. I think they're tacky. I think they look cheap. I think they make a glaring statement that the wedding was done on the cheap (which ours is...don't tell, though). For the aforementioned reasons, I was not, I repeat, not, going to buy vinyl tablecloths. The first plan was to buy and sew burlap into tablecloths. Aside from being a pain, the burlap is too loosely woven to properly cover the tables, so the wood would show through. Plan B was to simply rent. But for two bucks a pop, can you really not just buy the vinyl? So I bought them. They're a close match to the green I'm using, so it seemed like the right thing to do. The only problem: the vinyl is still too light a material, and the brown from the table would still show through. But Shannon has a brainwave: buy the burlap to go on top of the vinyl. Ahh, yes. The green will show through the weave of the burlap, rather than the wood of the tables (and the fact that I bought vinyl tablecloths will be disguised). And, because one brainwave leads to another, I had a thought: rather than sewing and worrying about seams and just adding an extra stress to the pile, how about just buying squares of burlap? The tables are round, so the unhemmed, unsewn, worry-free burlap will just sit on top of the tables as sort of a contrast. Some of the green will still show, but it'll be okay. Overall, I think the look will be quite charming.

On a non-wedding note...we left Boise in 60-degree weather. It's snowing at home today. Any my son (cat), who was cat-sat by his auntie for five days is lying partially on my hip, partially on my bed underneath my left elbow and is purring. He's happy I'm home, which makes my heart sing because it was the longest I'd ever been away from him and I dreamed of him at night while I was away. Please, don't judge me.

I have the wedding 'urghs'.

Between surfing the net, having three co-workers getting married in the next year, magazines, and friends, I have plenty of encouragement and plenty of people to bounce ideas off of. This must be good then, right? While this does have its advantages, it also has disadvantages...

When we (read: I...my fiancee is wonderful but he gets tired of wedding stuff quite quickly) started planning, I was full of idealism. I was going to be unique. People would talk about our wedding. Not just to tell us how nice it was because they have to tell us that, but they would talk about it down the line, remembering that it was a beautiful day and a beautiful wedding and so on and so forth. I had some great ideas that I was certain would be within our limited budget and would be amazing.

I quickly learned that every wedding idea ever has already been had. By someone other than me. I thought I had come to terms with this...that my wedding pictures, aside from the cast, would be a carbon copy of someone else's. I figured, well, there are over two million weddings in the US per year. Of course things have been done before. It's okay. And for the most part, it is. Just because it's not going to be exactly unique doesn't mean it doesn't fit my fiancee and myself.

What's really getting to me is the lingering insecurity that those weddings will be better. Maybe because they have a larger budget. Maybe because they have a professional wedding planner. Maybe because other brides have dreamed of this day since they were3 1/2 and I haven't. Maybe because other women are more crafty, more imaginative, more fabulous. Maybe because other women didn't pass up their dream gown and settle for second best...still beautiful, but not The Dress. Maybe...maybe...maybe this whole thing is going to be a failure. What if we don't have amazing memories? What if its not a beautiful day, after all, but a culmination of stress and worry that ignites and ruins the day?

I just want to go down to the courthouse and call it good.

I must confess to being addicted to the Internet. Being of Gen Y, I remember a time without the Internet: a simpler, sweeter time. A time when letters were written as a means of communication. A time when phone calls were made to catch up. A time when books were opened when you were wondering which president instigated Manifest Destiny. It was Polk, by the way...Wikipedia told me so.

And now, enough of my ode to the Dark Ages of the 1990s. My purpose in starting this blog is simple. It is my wedding journal, if you will. Despite Facebook, a wedding website, friends, relatives, and the average joe on the street, I still feel as though I need to record this journey to wedded bliss.

As of today, here is what is planned. We have the place. We have the photographer. We have the dress. We have singers, a pianist, food, and favors. We have a website. Centerpieces have arrived. The wedding party has been picked. Most of the invitees have received their hand-made invitations. Beverage dispensers and food tubs are awaiting the fulfillment of their purpose in my garage. And yet, it feels like the list of things that have been accomplished pales in comparison to what yet looms. Someone told me that no bride is ready for her wedding, she just stops and gets married. She didn't mean that in reference to mental state, but rather in reference to all the preparation, all the tiny details, all the unexpected isms that arise...I thought it was quite apropos.

My current projects (as there seems to always be more than one) are:

bees

confetti

programs

floral details

My vision for these projects:

These little bees will accompany my favors of honey straws. These honey straws arranged in Mason jars will accompany a small floral arrangement and a lit oil lamp to comprise my centerpieces. The honey straws will have a cutsie hand-made label attached to the Mason jar, and the label will read 'Love is sweeter than honey' or something gag-worthy to that effect. The labels will have a little bee on them. This idea is courtesy of Mrs. Green Tea from Weddingbee.com, my new favorite site.

Our confetti has to be organic, as we're getting married in the great outdoors of Montana. In my vast hours of web time, I stumbled upon this at etsy.com. It is potpourri, but I figured it would make colorful and wonderfully scented confetti. Luckily, as a barista at a coffeehouse famous for our homemade lemonades, I have easy access to many lemons. I also happen to be something of a fruit nut, so I eat oranges fairly often. I decided to buy the lavender, but save up my citrus peels and dry them myself. Little did I know...wow...it's a daily project! I don't know that it will be worth it in the end, but I think the idea itself has merit.

Another from the annals of weddingbee.com's DIY selection, these programs immediately caught my eye. I have my own take on them, however. They will still have a Popsicle stick attached to make it into a fan. It will, after all, be a July afternoon. However, as I'm incorporating as much color into my wedding as I can, the programs are going to be varying jewel tones...blue, green, pink, yellow, and orange. Instead of a bird theme, I have darling silk flowers in the same colors, which will attach with multi-colored brads. The unique thing about these programs is that the reverse side has...wait for it...GAMES! Wedding themed games gave the guests a little something to do before the ceremony started. This idea is enthralling to me, so I'm trying to put together something similar.

Having no green thumb or floral vision of any sort, I turned again to the internet for inspiration. I knew only that I wanted a wildflower look, incorporating lots of color. This lovely bouquet filled in the blanks of my idea. The bridesmaids' dresses are a beautiful sage green with accents in magenta, so the dahlias will be a matching pink rather than orange. This, I feel, will also lend a more summery look to the bouquet. I am lucky enough to have a very talented lady on my team when it comes to my florals. I am sure she could put this together in her sleep...whereas I would somehow kill the blooms with just the breeze from a blink. Seriously.

I am hoping to accomplish a large portion of my in-work projects over the coming week. The fee-aunts-hey and I are heading to his sister's home. Living in Montana is great, but it seriously limits shopping. He wants to wear a suit on the Big Day, so we're taking a trip to a more metropolitan sort of place to shop. And relax. And assemble programs. And glue wings on bees. And...well, you get the picture.