I've had an idea...

It seems as though I can't come up with a direction for my life, which has caused me endless frustration. In the long run, I'd like to be a stay-at-home mother, and do the things that stay-at-home mothers do. Raise the kids, keep the house clean, have people over for dinner, run the kids around to sports/band/choir/orchestra/piano, etc. What I've noticed about most moms is that they also have a 'thing' that they do to keep themselves occupied, and which also earns a bit of extra income. I've had a lot of ideas on this front. I want to open up a used bookstore. I want to make and sell homemade marinades and various other cooking things, such as vanilla. I want to work part-time when the kids start school. I want to go back to school myself. I have a myriad of ideas, all of which have their downfalls. For instance, if I did open my own bookstore, you have the financial stress of owning your own business, as well as the demanding schedule. Making homemade marinades/infused oils/vanillas would be fun, and I truly think I would enjoy it. However, you'd have to produce and sell a ton of it to actually make a profit, and I can't picture those being 'fly off the shelf' items. As for working part-time, you still get roped into working Saturdays, or being limited on when and how much time you can take off...and the point of staying at home is that the family is the priority, not the job. There are times, too, when I think I'd like to go back to school and actually make a career for myself. But then I think, well, sure...sink deep into debt, and then school takes four years, and by that time, we'd like to have a baby, so would I end up even working at all? Wells Fargo reimburses tuition expenses, but only if you choose a finance-related field. I don't want to be an accountant or study economics. I'd prefer to teach history or English, so they wouldn't reimburse for that.

Here's my latest brainwave. I find myself often looking at the ingredients I have in my kitchen, not wanting to go shopping, but at the same time, not knowing what to create out of what I have on hand. I'm sure that many people face this problem...so what about a website where you can enter in up to, say, ten things you have in your cupboard and it generates several recipe options? I was thinking of calling it something like mypantry.com or some other kitschy name. Readers could do all of the following: contribute recipes, search for recipes they want (like a general search for 'cornbread' or spaghetti'), or enter in what they have on hand and read through their options. There would have to be a massive database to pull from, and I assume it would be a lot of work to create and maintain...but perhaps I'm on to something?

Girlfriends. Or chick friends. As in, friends who are fellow women.

When Shaun and I met two and a half years ago, I gained something very valuable. From our first phone conversation, which lasted about three hours, I knew I had found someone I could confide in, trust, laugh with, and talk to. He quickly became my best friend, and it seemed natural from early on in our relationship that we should always be together. At our wedding, the friend of ours who spoke chatted with our parents and grandparents, and he mentioned during our wedding that my parents have been married for nearly 30 years, my paternal grandparents were married for 45 years before my grandmother was widowed, and my maternal grandparents have been married for nearly 57 years. On Shaun's side: his parents have been married for about 34 years, his maternal grandparents were married for 50 years before his grandmother was widowed, and his paternal grandparents have been married for a staggering 67 years. Obviously, Shaun and I are very fortunate to have entered into this lifelong journey, and I'm glad that come heck or high water, we'll still have each other.

That said, I have also learned the value of having female friends. I have to admit that a distance has developed between myself and many of the friends I had before 'Emily' became 'Shaun and Emily'. As Shaun's and my relationship progressed, my focus centered more around that than going on ski trips and shopping trips with my unattached female friends. I also made the choice to move (further) away from the friends I had known from my time in Laramie...so I guess you could say that time and circumstance has separated me from many of my good friends. I still see a few of them now and again, and thankfully the bonds of friendship are strong enough that it seems like not a day has passed since I last saw them.

But I also have to admit that I have felt a little nostalgic for female company at times. There are certain things that Shaun doesn't quite understand. For instance, when I am upset about a snarky remark that I feel was directed at me, Shaun says, 'Oh, she probably didn't mean it that way.' My darling friend Erin, however, would be ready to catfight it out with the culprit who made me cry because she knows that women do say things on purpose and in full knowledge that the words would be hurtful. There's also the issue of buying a new pair of fancy shoes, the worry about weight gain, or big thighs and stuff like that. Those are things my husband can listen to me talk about, but I can watch his eyes glaze over as I babble about my awesome iridescent Danskos. Which kind of make my dreams come true when I put them on my feet.

Lately, I have been feeling somewhat friendless, and have been discouraged by some things that have been said that have made me feel kind of lonely. These are things that I have talked to Shaun about, and he listens and is supportive (and admittedly, balances my stronger emotions with a dose of reason). I have been missing Courtney, Erin, Amanda and Janelle. I've been feeling all emo and misunderstood and stuff. Maybe I should write a dark poem after I finish up this blog. Today, though, I think I may have found a new friend. This is a woman I have known for a couple of years now, but have never known well. She has two kids, so I just kind of assumed that she was part of the 'mom' crowd who all hang out together and talk about baby poop or whatever moms talk about. Her husband called the other day to invite us to lunch at their home today, and so we were excited about the opportunity to get to know this couple a little better. Both the husband and wife have great senses of humor, so we were looking forward to the afternoon. Turns out, we may have found our 'couple friends'. I have always really liked this couple, but this afternoon, chatting and laughing, it felt like we'd been friends for years. Which I've been needing of late.

So I guess I'm learning a couple of things. First, and foremost: my husband and I may not always be able to relate perfectly on every level. That's okay, because I understand this marriage thing is a learning process. But I need to be careful that I don't shut him out because I don't think he'll understand. Even if one of us doesn't fully understand the other, we must communicate, otherwise a gap begins and only widens. The other thing I'm learning is that for myself, I need to have friends. It's true that I'm not always comfortable in social situations, and I'm timid at times, but I do love a long chat with a good friend, and having someone to call who doesn't mind strolling around a mall store or Ross for an hour. Not to put an uncomfortable religious twist on things, but this verse does often come to my mind: 'A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.' Turns out, when you get married, you don't just settle into this Utopian life. There's still lots to learn and lots of improving to do.

The Mrs. Part of Things

Last time I graced this blog with an update (ha!), I was losing my mind in the midst of the wedding preparation. Nowadays, I'm a married lady. Here's what I've learned.

1) The 'old married couple' stereotype? Totally true...and awesome (due to my semi-lazy nature.)

2) Saying 'thank you' to your spouse is one of the more important things you can do in a day.

3) I'm not perfect, but what I lack in perfection, I make up in stubbornness.

4) My husband is more wonderful than I had ever imagined.

5) The firsts are not always an adventure (we are currently planning our first vay-cay. Talk about a bumpy road.)

6) He cares much more about sports than I realized (much to my dismay).

7) I care much more about 'me time' than I realized (much to my dismay. Who knew I was this selfish?)

8) You find more energy within yourself when you know someone else is depending on you. I'm told this continues to escalate with motherhood, not that I'm looking to find out terribly soon.

9) Marriage is a lotta work.

10) Marriage is amazing.